four

He left

White kitchen trash bags

Two in each hand

 

He left

Took all his belongings

Leaving nothing but his scent

 

Now, starting to fade

His scent lingering

Looking for him

 

A place where it adorns so well

Not knowing where to land

It left, sneaking away through the cracks of the windows

 

Leaving traces of memories

Of photos

Of dead skin

Of broken moments

 

He left

Taking everything he wanted..

 

Then why am I still here?

Happy anniversary.

Today would have marked our four years.

It’s hard to think that you were my forever, the one where I could see raising at least one kid plus a few dogs (& that says alot about me because if you know me, you know I don’t want any kids). The one where we would move to the city for a little while and travel before we settled in a farmhouse far away from people. The one where you showed your unconditional support in projects that we were passionate about. We had these big plans that were in fruition. Everything was starting to fall into place…oh so i thought. however, everything was starting to fall apart. 

I don’t know where this letter is going but I’m currently writing this at a brewery, thinking of how I love the taste of your kisses after a few beers. Thinking about how they would always play Tennessee Whiskey wherever we were and without a doubt, you would ask me to dance. Thinking about how we never got the chance to see him live together. Speaking of Stapleton, did you see his performance at the super bowl, how he graciously opened up the game? You have no idea how much I wanted to call you when I bought his tickets for his concert coming up, this august. How badly I want to tell you to meet me at his Friday night show…

I had the text typed up, like every other text I write to you, but then I deleted it all before I accidentally hit the send button. The amount of texts I’ve written can tell you how much I think of you, how much I miss you, and how much I grieve you. I wouldn’t be honest if I said I moved on, if I said that I don’t think about you, if I said you’re not on my mind. Because you are.

I see you in everything. You are what I see on my drives, you are what I think of when I sing, you are what I hear when I sit in silence, you are what I crave when I’m starving, your scent is what I wish I could still smell when I lay my head in bed. You are everywhere. It’s lovely really, but I ache, I grieve, and I cry because I know that I can’t reach you and that drives me crazy. 

Dear MAC,

Can I tell you a secret? Promise you won’t tell anyone?

I’ve seen you twice now, in passing. You’re probably thinking of when we ran into each other at the stop light by our homes. And while yes, we did lock eyes for a split second. That wasn’t the only time I’ve seen you. To be honest, i have never thought how i would feel seeing you, i didn’t know what to expect or how i would react, but it broke me when i saw you taking a left on Herrington towards the gym. How I truly wish you felt the same way I did. 

The stoplight.

It was a short run in. The type where you had to do a double take to clear your vision. To allow time for your heart and brain to process what was before you. The initial shock was overwhelmed by emotions. I didn’t know I was going to cry, I didn’t know I would have a panic attack driving away. I believe you were heading to the gym because you were taking a left and I was going straight to go home. It’s weird because the night before and all that morning I kept seeing your car everywhere. Every time, my heart was happy and hurting all at the same time. I was excited to get a glimpse of you but sad because I wasn’t close to you. I thought about what you would think about seeing me.

This broke me. Driving up to the light, seeing a person jam in their car and it ended up being you. I selfishly was mad seeing you that happy. But at the same time, I’m happy to see you smile. A glimpse of your peace, a glimpse of how you look, a glimpse of your progress.

To be honest, I don’t remember if you had shaved or not. When I saw you, I only saw your eyes and noticed your gray sweatshirt. How I wish I was that sweatshirt wrapped around you, hugging you, holding you, covered in your scent, wrapped in your warmth. 

If you want to know where I saw you first, I won’t give that away. But I will say that I’m glad to see you out of your comfort zone and taking yourself out.

I cannot lie and I don’t care if I look foolish, but you have no idea how much I miss you.

It’s easy for me to fake it until I make it, that’s my motto. It’s easy for me to put up a front, it’s easy to say I’m okay and that I am happy being without you. It’s easy, but you know what else was easy?

Loving you,

being with you, 

living with you, 

dancing with you, 

laughing with you, 

traveling with you, 

making plans with you, 

driving with you, 

walking with you, 

Holding your hands,

exploring with you…

I miss being my most authentic self, being completely and unapologetically me. I miss..

You kiss, your sweet kisses. 

Your touch, the tenderness and strength your hands hold. 

Your voice, how lovely you would come up with scenarios about strangers..

Your laughter, music to my ears.. I’m smiling just reminiscing about your smile. 

Your eyes, how they told me secrets that your tongue couldn’t tell me

Your cute nose and how it fits perfectly on your face.

I miss you. I miss us.

And if this finds its way to you, I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for pouring out my emotions and exposing myself like this. 

I’m sorry for telling you that I miss you. 

I’m sorry for reaching out like this.

I’m sorry for the love I have stored away that’s only meant for you.

I’m sorry for loving you from afar.

If I’m being frank, I still haven’t accepted that you are not in my life anymore. Honestly, that’s a part of the process, my healing journey. I feel as if this is a fever dream and one that I will wake up shortly, with you laying next to me to tell me everything’s okay and that we’re okay. 

I want to thank you. It’s bittersweet but for some reason, i know it was the right thing to do for the time being. Not for a long time but for the now.

Thank you for leaving,

Thank you for making this decision for us, I know it wasn’t easy. 

In fact, I know you did it with love. 

And I think that’s why it hurts even more. 

Why I’m broken, why I’m having trouble moving on, why I’m struggling with accepting anyone else’s love, why I can’t move past what could’ve been. 

For some reason in my heart, I’m holding onto this hope that doesn’t feel hopeless. 

(but feels as if and when our paths cross again, because I just know we will for some reason; that we will be in the place we want to be in to move forward…and hopefully that’s together.

OR I will finally be in a place where I’ve come to peace that we are no longer meant for each other).

I have to take a break now because I don’t want to cry at this bar on valentines day. I’m already looking vulnerable since I’m here alone, at a bar, with my laptop writing away and drinking beer. What a cliche if I start crying.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you about. About my family, how my eldest brother is also pregnant and having a girl too. How my other brother has named their future daughter. How we went to this amazing eye opening cabin trip with all of my people that love you because I love you. About how shitty work is but I’m still pushing. How hard it is to make time to be creative when all I want to do is be in your arms. How I’ve been consistent at the gym and I wish you were my gym partner. How I have a major crush on you even though you might not even think of me. How I wish I could call you for any minor inconvenience I have, which lately have been more than I can handle. I wish I could tell you and show you how I’ve gotten better with my sadness when it comes to mocha. How proud you would be of me for living life, carrying her heart with me and knowing she is at peace and okay,  so I can be okay and continue life. I wish I could tell you about my plans and the trips I have lined up and how I wish you were coming with me.

How I wish you could come into my life and wreck it again. 

I’m finishing this up in one of our favorite states, Texas. I’m in Dallas and this is such our vibe. Our song covers this city in thick music notes, making me fall in love with you all over again. How I miss dancing with you, singing with you, kissing you, holding you, watching stories unfold before our eyes, making our own stories come to life, pretending how our life would come about if we lived in this city, talking about our future and how we would love to bring our future kids here or have them grow up in this city. You know, how we do when we visit a new city together. Pretending we live there and becoming so consumed in the culture of the city so well that we fit right in and become one with the locals. How I think about how much we would take over this city and leave it better than we found it. Giving it some spice and leaving it with a bit of kindness and love from us.

I texted you last night when the clock struck midnight wishing you, wishing us, a happy anniversary that doesn’t exist anymore. Of course, I deleted the text before I hit send, but in reality I wish I had the courage to hit send.

How do I learn to unlove you? How do I leave my hope in the rearview mirror? How can I stop seeing you in all the little things? Do you even think of me anymore, do you still see me in all of the songs on the radio, am I in the taste of your favorite beer, am i on your skin still –  when you put on my favorite sweater of yours, am i in the smell of your morning coffee, am i still in your thoughts when you lay your head to rest? 

 Happy Anniversary.

I still love you and always will.

alot

– ebarona